a single fathers musings.....

This will probably be a mass of jumbled thoughts, but it serves a purpose:to keep one's sanity in check. As my boys get older, I look back on the past 13 years and can't help but wonder if I've made the right choices. Ultimately, they are healthy, make (semi) good choices, and are all around decent kids. The issue is not with them, but with their Father, the one that's remained single in the name of being 100% readily available in a moments notice. In my mind, it's been the right thing to do as their step-father was so much older than their mother that he was living in a different era. His way of thinking didn't match anyone that had become a parent in the 90's, and it was a strain on my kids. I suppose one can't blame him. I mean, in his day people "walked 10 miles to school.........up hill.........both ways", but for their mother, my ex-wife, to just "hand him the keys" to my boys was intolerable on many instances. So why would I want to introduce a fourth parent to the mix? Not to mention adding someone new for my ex-wife to stress out on a fairly frequent schedule. It was more than enough for me to try and keep up with, and (I'd assumed) working on a relationship with someone would have that added bonus of "is she for real?" on a daily basis. It was my choice to stay in the town I'd moved to after (my now ex-wife) became pregnant. Sure, I had an opportunity to move, but when I was THIS CLOSE to leaving, I get a call saying she was moving back with the boys and "grandpa" in tow. Shit That was 10 years ago now. I'd decided to give up what I was going to pursue in the name of being here for my kids. Any good dad would do the same. I'm more than just a donor. I do my best, what I can with what I'm given, and no less. But now that the kids are 16, and 18 and graduated, things are changing and I'm not ready for it. I hadn't prepared myself for the "alone time". I'd chosen to not socialize here, because basically, it's not "my town". It's small here. Only about 15% of the population of where I moved from nearly 17 years ago. There's literally nothing to do here except drink and shag someone elses spouse. And sometimes that seems like a sporting event. I work here, sleep here, (sort of) eat here and am Dad here. That's it. "Why don't you just go to another town?". Glad you asked. Like everything else these days, it's all about money. Or in my case, lack of it. I earn just enough to make my house payment, utilities, gas, and some food. I'm embarrassed to admit my folks help me. I'm freaking 44 years old and have to get monetary support from my folks, and it's been that way for 13 years. Something else that's a factor is the fact that I feel like the way I did 15 years ago. In that I mean that it's like I haven't grown as a person. I'm still that immature 30 year old and what woman my age would want to date that?! I fear the fact of my future is this: I'm going to be that guy that lives by himself and yells at squirrels...........