The other day, my (almost) 12 year old asked,"How come you never got remarried?".
I figured if he was old enough to ask, he was old enough to hear my answer.
I started by telling him that I didn't like the fact that someone else was given the 'right' or 'opportunity' to raise my children. So, in turn, for me to get involved with a woman that already had a child would be hypocritical,(of course I had to explain what a "hypocrite" was).
I continued that as far as I was concerned, he and his brother were my family, and just because their mother was now with another person, I still held my role as their father as my number one priority.
Any thoughts?
4 comments:
It's a tricky subject, but I don't think re-marrying would be hypocritical.
No-one wants their kids to be raised by someone else, but denying yourself a partner because of it is a little strange.
I'm a step-dad myself (although my step kids have very little 'raising' left to do). I'm obviously going to influence their lives in some way, just by being married to their mom...but they don't think of me as a father figure, and I don't think of them as 'my kids'...we're all friends and thats as far as it goes.
I think the only time re-marrying becomes a problem is when one of the 'real' parents gets excluded. As long as the kids actually know WHO their mother and father are...it shouldn't be a problem...and your kids obviously know who their dad is.
I agree with Paulius-
I and my kids father(or sperm donor as they call him) stayed on somewhat "amicable" terms until they turned 18. Then I said "adios asshole" to him. The men i was in a relationship with knew thay had input in how my kids were raised- BUT I also made it perfectly one hundred percent clear that I had the first and final say in all decisions pertaining to my kids raising. No discussion- they were MY kids.
They said adios to him a LONG time before that. I felt I had to stay on S/A terms with him because he was the type that if things had not been going seemingly his way, or if I had shown the least bit of animosity, he would have came for his visitation with them and they would have all just disappeared. Not because he loved them and wanted them- but because he would have done it to deny me my kids.
I put nothing past him- ever.
Denying yourself a relationship isn't good for you, unless it's truly what you want.
Besides- don't YOU want to be the person who shows your children that it IS possible to have a normal relationship? You can still hold your top priority as DAD and be in a relationship yourself. Think about it.
---Comment from OzzyC---
(I can't post comments from new blogger to old blogger using my regular username.)
I don't like the answer you gave the kids for a couple of reasons...
The answer you gave them was less than completely truthful. If what you said was how you felt, then you would never have dated, from the time you and Satan's minion split up. But that's not what happened. You have dated, and you have developed relationships with some of the women you dated. It's just that things didn't work out for whatever reason.
Just as problematic though, is that you gave the kids information that they shouldn't have to process. I understand that you don't like stepdad, and I know why you don't like the influence he has on your kids. That's understandable. But your answer to their question kind of puts them in the middle. If they disagree with you, they'll end up feeling disloyal to you. If they agree with you, they're disloyal to their other family.
I see all of your points.
I guess I shoulda stayed in therepy, cus I've still got issues!
Ozzy-"Satan's minion".............lmao
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